For some, any form of exercise is torture. So, the idea that people – especially farangs* – would want to ride a bicycle 40km in the unrelenting Thai sunshine (and pay for the privilege) might make one wonder whether, karmically speaking, they have some work to do.
Rather strangely, as I recently discovered upon joining a one-day organized bike tour with a local company, hell-on-wheels is really – while not exactly heaven, a rather pleasant day out. This short tour is a great was to flex your calk muscles while taking in a bit of local Thai flavor. If you are a tad nervous about the idea of taking on the notorious traffic-snarled roads of Bangkok, this ride is just outside the city through some fantastic country.
The “country” being only about 30 minutes out of the city and there is no such thing as a traffic jam out here. Up at 6am and off out of the city by 7am, the tour kicks off at the Kamalulislam mosque.
Riders are made aware early on in the trip just how easy it is to end up in hell. First, outside the temple, the river (which is an extension of the much dirtier Pratunam canal in the city) is teeming with very big fat catfish. Writhing over and over each other, they vie for the bits of bread the children throw to them. While just a few hundred metres up the canal, fishermen check their markedly light nets, pretending not to notice what’s up for grabs not very far away.
Chris, the tour guide, was quick to explain the weird scenario to the uninitiated foreigners. “It is not allowed to catch fish in front of the temple … if one does so, then one goes to hell” he explained simply. “I think the fish know this and they all head for the temple, ha ha…They are cleverer than we think those fish!”
While mesmerizing to watch the catfish toy with the fisherman, we leapt back on our bikes and headed down the along the canal for a brush with hell part two.
The banks muddy and lined with thick bush, is lined by a raised concrete platform so that residents (and nutty cyclists from Bangkok) can move more easily from house to house.
The only threat to life and limb for the inexperienced is that fact the platform is only about a metre wide. This is ok if you are walking or are a seasoned platform-riding cyclist but for a coward like me, it was a bit, well hellish really, at least for the first half an hour.
While I was pretty convinced I was going to see my rear-end land in the canal, and probably kill myself in the process and thus go straight to hell for allowing myself to die in such an undignified fashion - I was also determined not to be a wimp and get off and walk the distance (about 3km).
“Only a few more kilometres!” grinned Chris, “You want to walk, yes?” “No, no, noooo, I lied,” grinning back weakly while wanting to punch myself for being a wimp.
Once you get over the terror aspect of it all, the canal ride was spectacular and the scenery fantastic. It is very peaceful and serene. Such a difference from the city, with all the locals waving you past, which unfortunately requires one to let go of one handle bar to politely wave back.
Once off the canal, the ride makes it way along dirt roads, past happy kids, lots of rice paddies, sprawling snakes on hot tar roads and grumpy soi-like farm dogs peering out of wooden houses.
The reward for the treacherous journey was lunch at the bizarre temple of Phurt Udom Pol – undoubtedly the highlight of the day. The local residents, made the addition of a Dante’s Inferno-style cavern in the temple basement.
A macabre sideshow consisting of a collection of grisly exhibits revolving around a common theme in which papier-mâché people are being tortured in hell. As one would at a carnival, museum or games arcade, visitors drop a five-baht coin in a little box at each exhibit and then step back to be entertained.
Papier-mâché figures (very often naked women with decidedly perky breasts) are shown being sawn in half, disemboweled, stabbed, having their eyes pecked out or being devoured by wild-eyed ferocious soi dogs and other similarly devilish figures (with decidedly droopy breasts).
Lots of flashing lights and recorded screams add depth to the show and the accompanying placard explains what sin the unfortunate had committed in life to deserve such eternal torture. Sins include everything from murder, drinking intoxicating liquor, to arguing with your parents and, yes, fishing in front of the temple.
Some exhibits are a little old, so don’t work very well and some of the flashing lights don’t work or, even more unsettling, they don’t stop working. If this happens, the kindly little old lady who oversees "hell" at the basement entrance comes along and, flashing a kind smile, pulls the plug out.
With Phurt Udom Pol all done and with bellies full of carbohydrate-rich chicken pad Thai, the cyclists headed off for the last 13km stretch to the old market town of Nong Chock.
After having spent a lot of time in Bangkok and frequently having to make do with not too appetizing local produce, the market was an eye-opener. Only a few miles outside of town, and the selection was a world away. It took only a few baht to stock up on sweet apples, yummy bananas and hairy rambutans. With the fresh selection of goods, we didn’t mind the fishy smell one bit.
It was here that we traded our now dusty bikes for a longboat to complete the journey. Lying back comfortably on the boat, swatting a few flies and waving like royalty to everyone we passed, we sputtered our way along Saen Seab canal back to the mosque, the catfish and to the end of a heavenly day.
